I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
