I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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