Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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