I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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