Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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