The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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