the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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