I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize