I accidentally had phone sex last night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
