I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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