I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
