I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
