I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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