never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize