Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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