I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
