so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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