There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
