maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
