Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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