it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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