you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
