He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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