I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You're like the curious george of whores
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
