Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
