Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
