Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
