Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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