having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
