Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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