We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
