i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I faked an abortion last night.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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