Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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