Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
