his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
