i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
there is puke in my bra ... again
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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