when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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