fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Randomize
