the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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