I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
