Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
