Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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