Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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