3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize