matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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