WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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