I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
