Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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