I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
