I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
