I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
