New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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