A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
