they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
