What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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