I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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