but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
