Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
