my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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