I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
