Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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