why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
