I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
