the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
