Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
