He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
