so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
