Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
YAS. BRING CRAB.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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