If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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