First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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