apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
