Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
