the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
