??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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