He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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