She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
