If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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